Finding Clarity in a cup of coffee

I am learning how important the morning cup of coffee is at the cafe. I know, you are snickering thinking I am looking for justification to my morning ritual. I am in some sorts, but in a large way, it has a deeper purpose.

While sitting in front of the cup of coffee, in the window of the cafe i peer out into the world. Its like a gateway to an urban looking glass... I watch the ever changing sidewalks as people go by. It has become a calming for me... a centerdness, where I can reflect on the direction of my day, the supplies and tools i will need and a focus on reality. I need that. When I am forced to bypass the coffee shop as i have been for the last few weeks, I feel as if a very important part of my day is missing. I feel scattered and misguided. 

One thing that has given me joys over the years of coffee shop exploration, is people watching. The same people tend to come in at the same time every morning. I watch as they order the same things, go bout their coffee station in the same manner every day... creatures of habit. I hope no one is clocking my habits(grins).

I think that what the little time I get during my workday to reflect at the coffee shop is like a sitting and sipping meditation. I think that we are meant to sit, motionless, contemplating the world. How often do you tune in to  a nature show on Animal Planet, or Discovery Channel, and see a tiger or monkey looking out over the plain. I think reflective times pass deep into the core of out nature. We are meant to slow down and soak up the world. That is what my time at the coffee shop is to me... My urban sunrise, my one handed clap. I dont care to much for conversation during this time. Friends happen in and I love saying hi, exchanging a few thoughts, then breaking back into my silent world. I think of all the cities that i have lived in, all the coffee shops i have haunted and smile. Its like hollowed ground to me... my ritual... my solace.

Maybe we would all be a little better off if we took the time.
Focus on our battles.
Take in our environment.

Take time to reflect on out short comings, center ourselves and channel on the path we need to follow. To understand that through all of our busy schedules, we need time, to find ourselves, to ponder our faults, and smile at the things that make our lives great.

So whether its Starbucks in any town, The New Moon in Augusta, Frankie's in Southern Pines, The Java Cabana in Memphis, The Sunrise Grill in Orrville, The Edge Coffee Shop in Pittsburgh, your favorite Cafe, or even your living room... take time, respect the bean and reflect on the greatness of your life. may you find your center... and start your day with a smile

just because it is, doesnt mean it does... something to swallow

One of the hardest things about Bipolar is not the disorder itself, but rather the aftermath of what was created before diagnosis and treatment. For years i have lived a life wondering why I fell into the same cycle repeatedly. I would build up only to tear down. Things would go great and life would flow along on a good path. At Least till I got a hold of it. The other side of me rips things apart. I have failed at relationships and jobs, life itself would belly flop. The only thing is, i would never try to pick up the pieces. I ran. I have lived in more cities and states then most people out there. I would fowl something, move, fowl something, move... repeat... Things would go great... new city, new life... new talent. The funny thing that would eventually happen is this... Everywhere I went... there I was. I was like a serial killer of happiness. Me would catch up to I. Then disaster... and move. I have torn apart more dreams then I care to count.

now I know why...

So its all better now right? I'm medicated and have answers. Things are great in the ole head today?... no. I now have to piece together all the good stuff I messed up. Things I have destroyed over the years are coming back to haunt me. For some reason you don't get the Get Out Of Jail Free Card with the purchase of every prescription. You waddle in it. It consumes you. Habits at the very core of me have to be stripped. Taken apart at its very nature. I am learning that people I have hurt because of my disorder will never come to trust me. That however unintentional was the bed I made, i still get to lay in it. I did things out of fear. I was dishonest with myself, therefore I was dishonest with others. I told lies because I lived in a manic fear of the truth. I lied to the people I loved because I lived in that fear. Instead of having a conversation about something, i blew up in self defense. I always made excuses for my actions. I would yell and rant to get the conversation away from the source of the problem, which was me. Now there is no trust left and i get to revel in that.

It almost makes the treatment not worth it. You start realizing that just because you feel better about yourself doesn't mean others do. That just because now you are able to deal with issues in a stable way doesn't mean that the ones you hurt will ever believe in you. That's painful. Counter productive. I can see why a lot of people diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses hit rock bottom after being treated. It sucks. I am better, see... that's what you feel, but life doesn't work that way. People you hurt, are justifiably hurt... the receiving end of this disorder sucks. It is painful. The way i have treated people is wrong. And for that i am sorry a thousand times over... but to forgive is sometimes beyond obtainable.

It stinks being unable to answer for your actions. I cant tell you how many times I was asked why I said something or why i did this or that. It is an awful feeling to know how much pain you caused. Its no fun to come to terms with the outcome of the things you ruined. The things I hold most dear are no longer mine, because of me... swallow that one....

You wake up one day with the answers.
You rethink the things you have done.
You piece together the things you have broken.
... you reflect and live in remorse of the things you have destroyed.