I've seen the good side of bad and the down side of up... and everything between.

I thought now would be a great time to write about the other down side of my Bipolar Disorder... the down cycle. I am a pretty constant manic Bipolar sufferer. I tend to stay up most of the times as i have said before. I don't tend to down cycle much... at least that i notice. But when i do, its awful.

The reason i wanted to write about it now, at home, instead of having some low cal. lunch at subway, is because i am down cycling now. I woke this morning in a funk... depressed. I forced myself out of bed. I would have stayed there longer, but i needed to get the kids over to a friends house, because my wife is in school. I stepped on a earring this morning while waking my daughter. I would usually flip out at that point. I just told her she needed to pick them up as i pulled it out of my foot. My daughter was talking a mile a minute in the car on the drive over to our friend's house. I asked her to let silence be heard. When i am in the down cycle, i don't like noise. I cant feel settled in it. But one major difference between me being manic and depressed is that i don't lash out as much. I am consumed by a feeling of helplessness. I don't defend myself at all, which self defence is one of the majorly bad signs of my manic behavior. I haven't been near as productive today, as i drift back and forth in sadness. I think issues over and over again finding the helplessness in it. It consumes me.

The medication i am on helps a lot. It doesn't seem, to help near as much as it does in the manic side. I get saddened by nostalgia, and miss parts of my life that i usually give little or no thought to. My relationships with people becomes pointless and sure to fail. I grieve over things, that during rational times, i would pay no attention to. Another side effect is that i tend to think awful thoughts. Being scared to death of bad things happening to my loved ones. That some accident might hurt someone i love. I also become overly superstitious during this time, which is something i can never understand. I feel as if i do this one thing, this other thing wont happen... the butterfly effect. I knock on wood a lot. I have never told anyone that. Its embarrassing.

While the down cycle is not near as chaotic as the manic side, it seems more destructive. I tend to give up on projects during this time. Quit pushing for the success of my business. It is something that i wish i could filter through and find the triggers to it. I am going to try yoga tonight at the Y, to see if it will help center me. I believe in meditation to help the soul. I often do what i call a walking meditation during the day. but i cant seem to focus long enough during the down cycle to level it out.

To put it in plain English...
...today... i am sad.

unto each key, a lock, its purpose serves

So there, today I sat...

...at the coffee shop, fumbling over my keys. I flipped past each one on the tarnished metal ring and tried to recall the lock to which each one served a purpose. Out of the nine keys on the ring, i could place four. Two where obvious. The first to my truck. it stood alone because of the plastic cover with the ram logo on it... dead give away. The second, all metal, but larger then the others was for my motorcycle. I solidified this because of the honda logo on its face. The third, my house key. I knew it from touch, from sliding it into the front door knob of my house day after day. The forth was a little more tricky. I had to think for a second. it had a different head on it. After a thought-filled moment i linked it to my shed by virtue of the name... dexter. A link, also to my favorite TV show. The others, i went over and over in my mind... no luck. They have been a collection, gathered over the years, building up on the ring. taking space. serving nothing. perplexing... i know.

Its kind of like my mind. i build things in there. habits. Some of which serve a greater purpose and several of which serve none at all... but take up space and befuddle the big picture. One of the biggest side effects I have to my mania is that i am totally, at times unable to think clearly... to many extra keys. I cant seem to form thoughts. This can be especially harmful when dealing with others. I go cloudy, and cant think without a sudden panic. What comes out is usually at that point of chaos and is very abrasive and hurtful. I get testy and tend to speak with a sharpened tongue. At that point the verbal conversation and what I am saying in my head are two different things. I can hear myself saying horrible, hate-filled things, but in my mind i am trying to correct them. I can be taking it out on my kids, the whole time thinking... "stop this Ron. you are being destructive instead of constructive towards your own children".

Being medicated clears those thoughts. I still have to deal with the habit of argument. Trying to reverse the way i have handled conversations and relationships for years. This proves to be a very touch fight. When I walk away from my kids and hear them make statements like "why is daddy in such a good mood" or "even though daddy gets on to us, he still loves us", i don't know if i should smile or break down in tears. but what it does, is give me reassurance that I am on the right track... the ever slow moving train... the always curving tracks... of the bipolar express.

"what's it called?" answer... "advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissostic rage!"

When I first talked to the doctor about being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was said to my self "great, give me the pill that is bipolar standard issue, tell me the secret code to treatment and I will be on my way." I figured out, through the doctor, reading about the signs about bipolar and other people's own account that is about as far from the truth as could possibly be. The treatment for Bipolar Disorder is relatively new. What one person projects or goes through in a cycle is about as different as fingerprints. I am, as stated before, a manic bipolar. I stay up most of the time. The effects of my disorder is usually dilutions of grandeur will dealing with day to day events. This doesn't mean that I think I am America’s next top model. It is more about daily tasks or business. I feel I can conquer anything, and when I fail, I get manic over he outcome. When I do crash (the down cycle) I get super depressed and feel completely worthless. This is rare, but devastating. The other thing I am learning is another unwanted gift of the disorder, is that it likes to partner with other things like a.d.d. and narcissism... which I show definite signs of both. While I am no Charlie Sheen, I do and have always had feelings that I was always supposed to be something more then I am... maybe one of the league of justice members. It has saddened me at times to know that I have never found myself being super important to the daily cycle of life. I am no superfriend and the only villain I fight is myself.

The other issue is a.d.d. I have had trouble focusing on anything for a long period of time. This is evident in my day to day activities and long term. I have owned my own business for some ten years now, which is quite a feat for me. I have tried other endeavours and failed only because I quickly lost interest or down cycled and quit trying before it could get going. School was always a struggle for me because I didn't care much about it for any length of time. There were also more than several instances where my inflated narcissistic ego got in the way of learning anything from a lowly teacher. Focus, focus focus is the key.

Its amazing how little the medical field knows about Bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. They lump a large group in a very vague group... this group is bipolar, this group is manic, this group is this, this group is that. It will be interesting as the research finds different symptoms and causes, how the diagnosis and treatment will progress.

For me, it is comforting to know there is a reason for my actions, and a treatment, that at this time is working. I find peace in the fact that my life doesn't have to be a giant wave of ups and downs, of lack of focus and delusional thoughts. I find peace in what the future does and doesn't hold...

... kind of like flicking the little demon off of my shoulder.