"what's it called?" answer... "advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissostic rage!"

When I first talked to the doctor about being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was said to my self "great, give me the pill that is bipolar standard issue, tell me the secret code to treatment and I will be on my way." I figured out, through the doctor, reading about the signs about bipolar and other people's own account that is about as far from the truth as could possibly be. The treatment for Bipolar Disorder is relatively new. What one person projects or goes through in a cycle is about as different as fingerprints. I am, as stated before, a manic bipolar. I stay up most of the time. The effects of my disorder is usually dilutions of grandeur will dealing with day to day events. This doesn't mean that I think I am America’s next top model. It is more about daily tasks or business. I feel I can conquer anything, and when I fail, I get manic over he outcome. When I do crash (the down cycle) I get super depressed and feel completely worthless. This is rare, but devastating. The other thing I am learning is another unwanted gift of the disorder, is that it likes to partner with other things like a.d.d. and narcissism... which I show definite signs of both. While I am no Charlie Sheen, I do and have always had feelings that I was always supposed to be something more then I am... maybe one of the league of justice members. It has saddened me at times to know that I have never found myself being super important to the daily cycle of life. I am no superfriend and the only villain I fight is myself.

The other issue is a.d.d. I have had trouble focusing on anything for a long period of time. This is evident in my day to day activities and long term. I have owned my own business for some ten years now, which is quite a feat for me. I have tried other endeavours and failed only because I quickly lost interest or down cycled and quit trying before it could get going. School was always a struggle for me because I didn't care much about it for any length of time. There were also more than several instances where my inflated narcissistic ego got in the way of learning anything from a lowly teacher. Focus, focus focus is the key.

Its amazing how little the medical field knows about Bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. They lump a large group in a very vague group... this group is bipolar, this group is manic, this group is this, this group is that. It will be interesting as the research finds different symptoms and causes, how the diagnosis and treatment will progress.

For me, it is comforting to know there is a reason for my actions, and a treatment, that at this time is working. I find peace in the fact that my life doesn't have to be a giant wave of ups and downs, of lack of focus and delusional thoughts. I find peace in what the future does and doesn't hold...

... kind of like flicking the little demon off of my shoulder.