Don't make me angry... You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

I remember watching the Incredible Hulk when I was a kid. During the opening credits, Mild mannered David Banner was shown changing a tire on his car. He was in the rain, while lightening flashed all around the darkened night sky. This all made for a very temperamental David. All of a sudden the tire iron slips from his already soggy grip and bludgeons him in the hand. The rain drenched Banner turns toward the camera... eyes start to glow. The transformation starts to happen. We all know the direction poor David Banner takes. Rage.

Now, i may never turn green, swell to the size of Mister Universe, or claim to have super human strength, but i do no something about rage. Its a typical manic state for many who suffer from bipolar disorder. Its one of the things that I am ever trying to get a grip on. At this point I feel like I'm winning.

One of the shameful things about my symptoms, is how silly the triggers are, once I had time to sit back and look at it. Sounds are one trigger. Its easy to get aggravated over the constant hum of a ceiling fan when trying to concentrate on something important. Loud piercing noises become earth shattering at times. The odd thing is that sometimes the sounds bother me and other times they don't. Being questioned over and over again about a subject, when you feel like the person is just not getting it, is another. Rubbing the same spot of skin repeatedly can at times be unbearable. The list goes on and on.

The rage can be indescribable. Other times its like a boiling kettle. It reminds me of fingernails on a chalk board. Its very unpredictable. Very wafering. Mostly unnoticed. Thats the hard part. I usually cant tell when its happening, at least not until I'm to the point I am boiling over with anger. I try to conceal it, but often it slips out and I become overbearing, mean, and verbally abusive. Treatment has help regulate these feelings. I still have bouts of it, but not near to the extremes as before. I can usually stop it, by leaving the room, or by taking a deep breath and clearing my mind.

One of the hardest realizations of my treatment is that just because I feel better and can handle situations with rational thoughts, doesn't mean the people i have hurt trust me. I am dealing with that aftermath one day at a time. But that is a story all within itself...