When I first talked to the doctor about being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was said to my self "great, give me the pill that is bipolar standard issue, tell me the secret code to treatment and I will be on my way." I figured out, through the doctor, reading about the signs about bipolar and other people's own account that is about as far from the truth as could possibly be. The treatment for Bipolar Disorder is relatively new. What one person projects or goes through in a cycle is about as different as fingerprints. I am, as stated before, a manic bipolar. I stay up most of the time. The effects of my disorder is usually dilutions of grandeur will dealing with day to day events. This doesn't mean that I think I am America’s next top model. It is more about daily tasks or business. I feel I can conquer anything, and when I fail, I get manic over he outcome. When I do crash (the down cycle) I get super depressed and feel completely worthless. This is rare, but devastating. The other thing I am learning is another unwanted gift of the disorder, is that it likes to partner with other things like a.d.d. and narcissism... which I show definite signs of both. While I am no Charlie Sheen, I do and have always had feelings that I was always supposed to be something more then I am... maybe one of the league of justice members. It has saddened me at times to know that I have never found myself being super important to the daily cycle of life. I am no superfriend and the only villain I fight is myself.
The other issue is a.d.d. I have had trouble focusing on anything for a long period of time. This is evident in my day to day activities and long term. I have owned my own business for some ten years now, which is quite a feat for me. I have tried other endeavours and failed only because I quickly lost interest or down cycled and quit trying before it could get going. School was always a struggle for me because I didn't care much about it for any length of time. There were also more than several instances where my inflated narcissistic ego got in the way of learning anything from a lowly teacher. Focus, focus focus is the key.
Its amazing how little the medical field knows about Bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. They lump a large group in a very vague group... this group is bipolar, this group is manic, this group is this, this group is that. It will be interesting as the research finds different symptoms and causes, how the diagnosis and treatment will progress.
For me, it is comforting to know there is a reason for my actions, and a treatment, that at this time is working. I find peace in the fact that my life doesn't have to be a giant wave of ups and downs, of lack of focus and delusional thoughts. I find peace in what the future does and doesn't hold...
... kind of like flicking the little demon off of my shoulder.
I identify with what you say here about being mostly up and then crashing.. Though not to the same intensity. I often joke that if I'm asked if my glass is half empty or half full, it's completely filled to the brim which works out nicely until life hits a bump and I end up looking like I peed in my pants...I think sometimes, the higher you dream, the harder you fall.
ReplyDeleteAnd ADD... am I familiar with that one.. I'm married to it. But it helps me too, on the other side to know what I'm dealing with and it definitely helps in figuring out how to approach it.
Thanks so much Dana. It really means a lot, that you said that. I think we all have a little of that in us. Some off us can't find the stopping point. I would probably argue and say what in the heck is the glass there in the first place, then get angry over it. Our growing relationship with you and yours has been wonderful for both Sam and I.
ReplyDeletewow, just noticed my non corrected version went out... spell checked... sorry
ReplyDeleteOK, so I started following your blog from the beginning and I know you at church, but I just made the connection that you are one in the same person, so OK, my ADHD sometimes gets the better of me and the lack of focus and never noticing details sometimes gets me into some messes.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, you write and people relate, which is all good. ;) My eldest son is adhd diagnosed....he's all over the place, and can't for the life of him learn how to relax. He hyperfocuses on anything that interests him- he wants to perfect it, then move onto the next thing.... his dad and i, if both were tested would more than likely be add'ers. so i can relate to the trouble w/ focusing on anything for any length of time, and i wasn't successful in school either Ron, i hated it, after 15 mins i felt like it i was being tortured having to sit there and listen...i was the student who did just enough to get by. Which was tough at times being a daughter of a School Principal. Being around music however..., seems to be the only thing that can keep me engaged for longer periods of time and being around LIVE music, well that is my slice of heaven. Intellectual lyrics that can have more than one simplistic meaning, of metaphoric nature....are utterly fascinating. I do notice details though....to an extreme and a fault....it's the little things that stand out that either impress me or end up trashing my nerves.
ReplyDeleteHello again Veronica! i do stuff like that all the time. we were at my daughters award day and in the same conversation with a guy i just met, i introduced myself twice... that was odd.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lara, what a compliment! I think schools need to focus a little more on the individual. curve learning towards their interests and abilities. but that would take way too much manpower.