Finding Clarity in a cup of coffee

I am learning how important the morning cup of coffee is at the cafe. I know, you are snickering thinking I am looking for justification to my morning ritual. I am in some sorts, but in a large way, it has a deeper purpose.

While sitting in front of the cup of coffee, in the window of the cafe i peer out into the world. Its like a gateway to an urban looking glass... I watch the ever changing sidewalks as people go by. It has become a calming for me... a centerdness, where I can reflect on the direction of my day, the supplies and tools i will need and a focus on reality. I need that. When I am forced to bypass the coffee shop as i have been for the last few weeks, I feel as if a very important part of my day is missing. I feel scattered and misguided. 

One thing that has given me joys over the years of coffee shop exploration, is people watching. The same people tend to come in at the same time every morning. I watch as they order the same things, go bout their coffee station in the same manner every day... creatures of habit. I hope no one is clocking my habits(grins).

I think that what the little time I get during my workday to reflect at the coffee shop is like a sitting and sipping meditation. I think that we are meant to sit, motionless, contemplating the world. How often do you tune in to  a nature show on Animal Planet, or Discovery Channel, and see a tiger or monkey looking out over the plain. I think reflective times pass deep into the core of out nature. We are meant to slow down and soak up the world. That is what my time at the coffee shop is to me... My urban sunrise, my one handed clap. I dont care to much for conversation during this time. Friends happen in and I love saying hi, exchanging a few thoughts, then breaking back into my silent world. I think of all the cities that i have lived in, all the coffee shops i have haunted and smile. Its like hollowed ground to me... my ritual... my solace.

Maybe we would all be a little better off if we took the time.
Focus on our battles.
Take in our environment.

Take time to reflect on out short comings, center ourselves and channel on the path we need to follow. To understand that through all of our busy schedules, we need time, to find ourselves, to ponder our faults, and smile at the things that make our lives great.

So whether its Starbucks in any town, The New Moon in Augusta, Frankie's in Southern Pines, The Java Cabana in Memphis, The Sunrise Grill in Orrville, The Edge Coffee Shop in Pittsburgh, your favorite Cafe, or even your living room... take time, respect the bean and reflect on the greatness of your life. may you find your center... and start your day with a smile

just because it is, doesnt mean it does... something to swallow

One of the hardest things about Bipolar is not the disorder itself, but rather the aftermath of what was created before diagnosis and treatment. For years i have lived a life wondering why I fell into the same cycle repeatedly. I would build up only to tear down. Things would go great and life would flow along on a good path. At Least till I got a hold of it. The other side of me rips things apart. I have failed at relationships and jobs, life itself would belly flop. The only thing is, i would never try to pick up the pieces. I ran. I have lived in more cities and states then most people out there. I would fowl something, move, fowl something, move... repeat... Things would go great... new city, new life... new talent. The funny thing that would eventually happen is this... Everywhere I went... there I was. I was like a serial killer of happiness. Me would catch up to I. Then disaster... and move. I have torn apart more dreams then I care to count.

now I know why...

So its all better now right? I'm medicated and have answers. Things are great in the ole head today?... no. I now have to piece together all the good stuff I messed up. Things I have destroyed over the years are coming back to haunt me. For some reason you don't get the Get Out Of Jail Free Card with the purchase of every prescription. You waddle in it. It consumes you. Habits at the very core of me have to be stripped. Taken apart at its very nature. I am learning that people I have hurt because of my disorder will never come to trust me. That however unintentional was the bed I made, i still get to lay in it. I did things out of fear. I was dishonest with myself, therefore I was dishonest with others. I told lies because I lived in a manic fear of the truth. I lied to the people I loved because I lived in that fear. Instead of having a conversation about something, i blew up in self defense. I always made excuses for my actions. I would yell and rant to get the conversation away from the source of the problem, which was me. Now there is no trust left and i get to revel in that.

It almost makes the treatment not worth it. You start realizing that just because you feel better about yourself doesn't mean others do. That just because now you are able to deal with issues in a stable way doesn't mean that the ones you hurt will ever believe in you. That's painful. Counter productive. I can see why a lot of people diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses hit rock bottom after being treated. It sucks. I am better, see... that's what you feel, but life doesn't work that way. People you hurt, are justifiably hurt... the receiving end of this disorder sucks. It is painful. The way i have treated people is wrong. And for that i am sorry a thousand times over... but to forgive is sometimes beyond obtainable.

It stinks being unable to answer for your actions. I cant tell you how many times I was asked why I said something or why i did this or that. It is an awful feeling to know how much pain you caused. Its no fun to come to terms with the outcome of the things you ruined. The things I hold most dear are no longer mine, because of me... swallow that one....

You wake up one day with the answers.
You rethink the things you have done.
You piece together the things you have broken.
... you reflect and live in remorse of the things you have destroyed.

I've seen the good side of bad and the down side of up... and everything between.

I thought now would be a great time to write about the other down side of my Bipolar Disorder... the down cycle. I am a pretty constant manic Bipolar sufferer. I tend to stay up most of the times as i have said before. I don't tend to down cycle much... at least that i notice. But when i do, its awful.

The reason i wanted to write about it now, at home, instead of having some low cal. lunch at subway, is because i am down cycling now. I woke this morning in a funk... depressed. I forced myself out of bed. I would have stayed there longer, but i needed to get the kids over to a friends house, because my wife is in school. I stepped on a earring this morning while waking my daughter. I would usually flip out at that point. I just told her she needed to pick them up as i pulled it out of my foot. My daughter was talking a mile a minute in the car on the drive over to our friend's house. I asked her to let silence be heard. When i am in the down cycle, i don't like noise. I cant feel settled in it. But one major difference between me being manic and depressed is that i don't lash out as much. I am consumed by a feeling of helplessness. I don't defend myself at all, which self defence is one of the majorly bad signs of my manic behavior. I haven't been near as productive today, as i drift back and forth in sadness. I think issues over and over again finding the helplessness in it. It consumes me.

The medication i am on helps a lot. It doesn't seem, to help near as much as it does in the manic side. I get saddened by nostalgia, and miss parts of my life that i usually give little or no thought to. My relationships with people becomes pointless and sure to fail. I grieve over things, that during rational times, i would pay no attention to. Another side effect is that i tend to think awful thoughts. Being scared to death of bad things happening to my loved ones. That some accident might hurt someone i love. I also become overly superstitious during this time, which is something i can never understand. I feel as if i do this one thing, this other thing wont happen... the butterfly effect. I knock on wood a lot. I have never told anyone that. Its embarrassing.

While the down cycle is not near as chaotic as the manic side, it seems more destructive. I tend to give up on projects during this time. Quit pushing for the success of my business. It is something that i wish i could filter through and find the triggers to it. I am going to try yoga tonight at the Y, to see if it will help center me. I believe in meditation to help the soul. I often do what i call a walking meditation during the day. but i cant seem to focus long enough during the down cycle to level it out.

To put it in plain English...
...today... i am sad.

unto each key, a lock, its purpose serves

So there, today I sat...

...at the coffee shop, fumbling over my keys. I flipped past each one on the tarnished metal ring and tried to recall the lock to which each one served a purpose. Out of the nine keys on the ring, i could place four. Two where obvious. The first to my truck. it stood alone because of the plastic cover with the ram logo on it... dead give away. The second, all metal, but larger then the others was for my motorcycle. I solidified this because of the honda logo on its face. The third, my house key. I knew it from touch, from sliding it into the front door knob of my house day after day. The forth was a little more tricky. I had to think for a second. it had a different head on it. After a thought-filled moment i linked it to my shed by virtue of the name... dexter. A link, also to my favorite TV show. The others, i went over and over in my mind... no luck. They have been a collection, gathered over the years, building up on the ring. taking space. serving nothing. perplexing... i know.

Its kind of like my mind. i build things in there. habits. Some of which serve a greater purpose and several of which serve none at all... but take up space and befuddle the big picture. One of the biggest side effects I have to my mania is that i am totally, at times unable to think clearly... to many extra keys. I cant seem to form thoughts. This can be especially harmful when dealing with others. I go cloudy, and cant think without a sudden panic. What comes out is usually at that point of chaos and is very abrasive and hurtful. I get testy and tend to speak with a sharpened tongue. At that point the verbal conversation and what I am saying in my head are two different things. I can hear myself saying horrible, hate-filled things, but in my mind i am trying to correct them. I can be taking it out on my kids, the whole time thinking... "stop this Ron. you are being destructive instead of constructive towards your own children".

Being medicated clears those thoughts. I still have to deal with the habit of argument. Trying to reverse the way i have handled conversations and relationships for years. This proves to be a very touch fight. When I walk away from my kids and hear them make statements like "why is daddy in such a good mood" or "even though daddy gets on to us, he still loves us", i don't know if i should smile or break down in tears. but what it does, is give me reassurance that I am on the right track... the ever slow moving train... the always curving tracks... of the bipolar express.

"what's it called?" answer... "advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissostic rage!"

When I first talked to the doctor about being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was said to my self "great, give me the pill that is bipolar standard issue, tell me the secret code to treatment and I will be on my way." I figured out, through the doctor, reading about the signs about bipolar and other people's own account that is about as far from the truth as could possibly be. The treatment for Bipolar Disorder is relatively new. What one person projects or goes through in a cycle is about as different as fingerprints. I am, as stated before, a manic bipolar. I stay up most of the time. The effects of my disorder is usually dilutions of grandeur will dealing with day to day events. This doesn't mean that I think I am America’s next top model. It is more about daily tasks or business. I feel I can conquer anything, and when I fail, I get manic over he outcome. When I do crash (the down cycle) I get super depressed and feel completely worthless. This is rare, but devastating. The other thing I am learning is another unwanted gift of the disorder, is that it likes to partner with other things like a.d.d. and narcissism... which I show definite signs of both. While I am no Charlie Sheen, I do and have always had feelings that I was always supposed to be something more then I am... maybe one of the league of justice members. It has saddened me at times to know that I have never found myself being super important to the daily cycle of life. I am no superfriend and the only villain I fight is myself.

The other issue is a.d.d. I have had trouble focusing on anything for a long period of time. This is evident in my day to day activities and long term. I have owned my own business for some ten years now, which is quite a feat for me. I have tried other endeavours and failed only because I quickly lost interest or down cycled and quit trying before it could get going. School was always a struggle for me because I didn't care much about it for any length of time. There were also more than several instances where my inflated narcissistic ego got in the way of learning anything from a lowly teacher. Focus, focus focus is the key.

Its amazing how little the medical field knows about Bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. They lump a large group in a very vague group... this group is bipolar, this group is manic, this group is this, this group is that. It will be interesting as the research finds different symptoms and causes, how the diagnosis and treatment will progress.

For me, it is comforting to know there is a reason for my actions, and a treatment, that at this time is working. I find peace in the fact that my life doesn't have to be a giant wave of ups and downs, of lack of focus and delusional thoughts. I find peace in what the future does and doesn't hold...

... kind of like flicking the little demon off of my shoulder.