One of the hardest things about Bipolar is not the disorder itself, but rather the aftermath of what was created before diagnosis and treatment. For years i have lived a life wondering why I fell into the same cycle repeatedly. I would build up only to tear down. Things would go great and life would flow along on a good path. At Least till I got a hold of it. The other side of me rips things apart. I have failed at relationships and jobs, life itself would belly flop. The only thing is, i would never try to pick up the pieces. I ran. I have lived in more cities and states then most people out there. I would fowl something, move, fowl something, move... repeat... Things would go great... new city, new life... new talent. The funny thing that would eventually happen is this... Everywhere I went... there I was. I was like a serial killer of happiness. Me would catch up to I. Then disaster... and move. I have torn apart more dreams then I care to count.
now I know why...
So its all better now right? I'm medicated and have answers. Things are great in the ole head today?... no. I now have to piece together all the good stuff I messed up. Things I have destroyed over the years are coming back to haunt me. For some reason you don't get the Get Out Of Jail Free Card with the purchase of every prescription. You waddle in it. It consumes you. Habits at the very core of me have to be stripped. Taken apart at its very nature. I am learning that people I have hurt because of my disorder will never come to trust me. That however unintentional was the bed I made, i still get to lay in it. I did things out of fear. I was dishonest with myself, therefore I was dishonest with others. I told lies because I lived in a manic fear of the truth. I lied to the people I loved because I lived in that fear. Instead of having a conversation about something, i blew up in self defense. I always made excuses for my actions. I would yell and rant to get the conversation away from the source of the problem, which was me. Now there is no trust left and i get to revel in that.
It almost makes the treatment not worth it. You start realizing that just because you feel better about yourself doesn't mean others do. That just because now you are able to deal with issues in a stable way doesn't mean that the ones you hurt will ever believe in you. That's painful. Counter productive. I can see why a lot of people diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses hit rock bottom after being treated. It sucks. I am better, see... that's what you feel, but life doesn't work that way. People you hurt, are justifiably hurt... the receiving end of this disorder sucks. It is painful. The way i have treated people is wrong. And for that i am sorry a thousand times over... but to forgive is sometimes beyond obtainable.
It stinks being unable to answer for your actions. I cant tell you how many times I was asked why I said something or why i did this or that. It is an awful feeling to know how much pain you caused. Its no fun to come to terms with the outcome of the things you ruined. The things I hold most dear are no longer mine, because of me... swallow that one....
You wake up one day with the answers.
You rethink the things you have done.
You piece together the things you have broken.
... you reflect and live in remorse of the things you have destroyed.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I've seen the good side of bad and the down side of up... and everything between.
I thought now would be a great time to write about the other down side of my Bipolar Disorder... the down cycle. I am a pretty constant manic Bipolar sufferer. I tend to stay up most of the times as i have said before. I don't tend to down cycle much... at least that i notice. But when i do, its awful.
The reason i wanted to write about it now, at home, instead of having some low cal. lunch at subway, is because i am down cycling now. I woke this morning in a funk... depressed. I forced myself out of bed. I would have stayed there longer, but i needed to get the kids over to a friends house, because my wife is in school. I stepped on a earring this morning while waking my daughter. I would usually flip out at that point. I just told her she needed to pick them up as i pulled it out of my foot. My daughter was talking a mile a minute in the car on the drive over to our friend's house. I asked her to let silence be heard. When i am in the down cycle, i don't like noise. I cant feel settled in it. But one major difference between me being manic and depressed is that i don't lash out as much. I am consumed by a feeling of helplessness. I don't defend myself at all, which self defence is one of the majorly bad signs of my manic behavior. I haven't been near as productive today, as i drift back and forth in sadness. I think issues over and over again finding the helplessness in it. It consumes me.
The medication i am on helps a lot. It doesn't seem, to help near as much as it does in the manic side. I get saddened by nostalgia, and miss parts of my life that i usually give little or no thought to. My relationships with people becomes pointless and sure to fail. I grieve over things, that during rational times, i would pay no attention to. Another side effect is that i tend to think awful thoughts. Being scared to death of bad things happening to my loved ones. That some accident might hurt someone i love. I also become overly superstitious during this time, which is something i can never understand. I feel as if i do this one thing, this other thing wont happen... the butterfly effect. I knock on wood a lot. I have never told anyone that. Its embarrassing.
While the down cycle is not near as chaotic as the manic side, it seems more destructive. I tend to give up on projects during this time. Quit pushing for the success of my business. It is something that i wish i could filter through and find the triggers to it. I am going to try yoga tonight at the Y, to see if it will help center me. I believe in meditation to help the soul. I often do what i call a walking meditation during the day. but i cant seem to focus long enough during the down cycle to level it out.
To put it in plain English...
...today... i am sad.
The reason i wanted to write about it now, at home, instead of having some low cal. lunch at subway, is because i am down cycling now. I woke this morning in a funk... depressed. I forced myself out of bed. I would have stayed there longer, but i needed to get the kids over to a friends house, because my wife is in school. I stepped on a earring this morning while waking my daughter. I would usually flip out at that point. I just told her she needed to pick them up as i pulled it out of my foot. My daughter was talking a mile a minute in the car on the drive over to our friend's house. I asked her to let silence be heard. When i am in the down cycle, i don't like noise. I cant feel settled in it. But one major difference between me being manic and depressed is that i don't lash out as much. I am consumed by a feeling of helplessness. I don't defend myself at all, which self defence is one of the majorly bad signs of my manic behavior. I haven't been near as productive today, as i drift back and forth in sadness. I think issues over and over again finding the helplessness in it. It consumes me.
The medication i am on helps a lot. It doesn't seem, to help near as much as it does in the manic side. I get saddened by nostalgia, and miss parts of my life that i usually give little or no thought to. My relationships with people becomes pointless and sure to fail. I grieve over things, that during rational times, i would pay no attention to. Another side effect is that i tend to think awful thoughts. Being scared to death of bad things happening to my loved ones. That some accident might hurt someone i love. I also become overly superstitious during this time, which is something i can never understand. I feel as if i do this one thing, this other thing wont happen... the butterfly effect. I knock on wood a lot. I have never told anyone that. Its embarrassing.
While the down cycle is not near as chaotic as the manic side, it seems more destructive. I tend to give up on projects during this time. Quit pushing for the success of my business. It is something that i wish i could filter through and find the triggers to it. I am going to try yoga tonight at the Y, to see if it will help center me. I believe in meditation to help the soul. I often do what i call a walking meditation during the day. but i cant seem to focus long enough during the down cycle to level it out.
To put it in plain English...
...today... i am sad.
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