I thought now would be a great time to write about the other down side of my Bipolar Disorder... the down cycle. I am a pretty constant manic Bipolar sufferer. I tend to stay up most of the times as i have said before. I don't tend to down cycle much... at least that i notice. But when i do, its awful.
The reason i wanted to write about it now, at home, instead of having some low cal. lunch at subway, is because i am down cycling now. I woke this morning in a funk... depressed. I forced myself out of bed. I would have stayed there longer, but i needed to get the kids over to a friends house, because my wife is in school. I stepped on a earring this morning while waking my daughter. I would usually flip out at that point. I just told her she needed to pick them up as i pulled it out of my foot. My daughter was talking a mile a minute in the car on the drive over to our friend's house. I asked her to let silence be heard. When i am in the down cycle, i don't like noise. I cant feel settled in it. But one major difference between me being manic and depressed is that i don't lash out as much. I am consumed by a feeling of helplessness. I don't defend myself at all, which self defence is one of the majorly bad signs of my manic behavior. I haven't been near as productive today, as i drift back and forth in sadness. I think issues over and over again finding the helplessness in it. It consumes me.
The medication i am on helps a lot. It doesn't seem, to help near as much as it does in the manic side. I get saddened by nostalgia, and miss parts of my life that i usually give little or no thought to. My relationships with people becomes pointless and sure to fail. I grieve over things, that during rational times, i would pay no attention to. Another side effect is that i tend to think awful thoughts. Being scared to death of bad things happening to my loved ones. That some accident might hurt someone i love. I also become overly superstitious during this time, which is something i can never understand. I feel as if i do this one thing, this other thing wont happen... the butterfly effect. I knock on wood a lot. I have never told anyone that. Its embarrassing.
While the down cycle is not near as chaotic as the manic side, it seems more destructive. I tend to give up on projects during this time. Quit pushing for the success of my business. It is something that i wish i could filter through and find the triggers to it. I am going to try yoga tonight at the Y, to see if it will help center me. I believe in meditation to help the soul. I often do what i call a walking meditation during the day. but i cant seem to focus long enough during the down cycle to level it out.
To put it in plain English...
...today... i am sad.
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